I truly love him.

It all began yesterday morning.  It was supposed to be one of those insanely manic days, where your running around spastically trying to get everything done and still have fun.  It was bizarre mostly because I couldn't feel again, completely incoherent the whole day into the next.  Surely enough I brought other people down, being a complete bitch who felt like she was fucking doped up.  Perhaps it was a bad pill?  Who knows, I still feel off and incapable of any type of emotion except feeling dull and depressed.  There isn't any reason for it though.  To feel this way and end up hurting others for my lack of stability.  I know I'm not the perfect child and the fact that they don't see that after seventeen years is pretty sad.  I called them like they asked but the fact that I didn't want to talk upset them.  For some reason I get like this, depressed and moody for no reason, triggered by nothing at all.  Then cause others pain and discomfort because I'm just fucked up I guess.  Things don't get any better when they start threatening me and saying they'll send me back.  Am I that defective they can't let me live my life the way I want.  Things just spiral out of control and every one gets hurt.  The smallest things just get to me and then everything is exaggerated to a point where I can't take it anymore and it's just to much. I can't understand why this is still happening when they said it would stop.  They said it would help me and things would get better but in reality they get worse.  I'm sick of feeling like this and hurting everyone because I can't control my emotions.  This is what triggers the need for something to take away they emotional pain and replace it with physical.  For some reason when you can control the pain you feel it helps you.  I don't know how much longer I can handle this constant fluctuation in emotions.  I don't want to try new medications and deal with the hassle of becoming suicidal in a second.  I can't hurt everyone like that again. I understand life has moments where it's not perfect but when its constant or occurs for no reason at all, there's something wrong.  Something that hasn't been fixed but masked over by medications and a reality that seems so surreal.  By sending me away the only accomplishment they will receive is a moment where they don't have to deal with me but someone else does.  The only thing I will accomplish is everything in my world ending.  My friends, my art and my job.  Truly think about it. Who will still write you and love you after your gone.  Most people will just forget about you, that's how shallow the world is.  I can only think of four people that would still be there for me.  My parents don't understand that their attempt to help me will only make matters worse. 

Currently Listening Dead Letters By The Rasmus see related

The Past.

Since I'm bored as hell, I looked through my old blog, it was just entry upon entry of how much shit was happening.  What makes me depressed though is that almost every entry had "I hung out with Kear" in it.  I miss that, I miss her and how close we were, not that we lost touch or anything now.  I just really miss how we hung out all the time and saw each other daily.  Now I'm lucky if I see her once or twice a week. 

Its been two years since they diagnosed me and a year since they found out about my habit.  The entries I wrote were so depressing and empty in my old blog.  This entry is from a year ago. It is somewhat still the way I feel but instead of the pain being masked by medication,  I'm just numb. 

'In waves the pain it keeps coming back. I looked through my journal from last year. Its full of everything I've slowly been getting rid of. I wrote so much that the words cover over the bindings.  I've been like this all my life, even now that I've gotten help I still feel the same, its just covering it all, but its still there. The only reason I'm still here is because of the effect it would have on my family. If I went through with it, I would have caused so much more shit to happen. That's why it would have been so much easier if I didn't exist in the first place. I try not to think that way anymore, but I still kind of do. I don't think I'll ever be happy or content with life.  I'm not going to post anything I wrote in my journal because that's the past. Now, the past doesn't matter to much to me anymore.'

How pathetic, it doesn't seem like this sort of thing will ever go away it just lingers there. Some things have changed for the better though and I'm glad they have.  I have someone in my life now that makes everything better. I love him.  

Currently Listening Mary Ann Meets the Gravediggers & Other Short By Regina Spektor see related

Love.

Life is good now and I'm actually happy.  Ive been spending all my time with my love and its amazing as always. 

I got a new phone its like whoa! So yeah be jealous you cheeky bastards!  Tiff and Kear have been calling me all night playing clips from the show their at now!  Its Fall Out Boy...  haha yeah I laughed too.  I only like Dance, Dance, cause its oh so catchy.  Ahh damn it now I have to listen to it.  Drums, bass vocals... oh, dance dance, we're falling apart to half time dance, dance.... okay moments over.  

    "I never loved nobody fully
    always one foot on the ground
    and by protecting my heart truly
    I got lost in the sounds
    I hear in my mind
    all these voices"

happiness has always felt so unreal to me.  finally ive found someone who takes all the pain away. you are amazing and im lucky to have you.